Being on tour is a grind.
Artists travel from city to city by van, bus, or airplane. Hours and hours of boredom are only broken by the precious time they get to be onstage. And for the performance to go off as well as possible, artists must be in the right headspace. That means being taken care of at the venue. This is where we encounter the “concert rider,” a part of the agreement between a performer and the promoter about what needs to be provided to the act before, during and after a show.
The rider is provided so that any given gig goes smoothly and comfortably for all those involved, with no misunderstandings, miscues or screw-ups. The bulk of any rider deals with some pretty mundane stuff: time of load-in, arrangements regarding merchandise sales and special requirements involving staging.
But the best riders are the ones who spell out the requirements and needs of the artist before, during and after the show at the venue — specifically in the dressing room.
The most famous concert rider of all time has to be Van Halen’s “no brown M&M’s” document from 1982. It reads:
Dear Purchaser:
Attached is a rider containing provisions to assure you of a smooth and professional theatrical presentation. All provisions are spelled out in great detail in order to prevent any misunderstandings and to present to your customers the finest in contemporary entertainment. All provisions must be adhered to strictly.
Skip ahead to page 36, and we get into the meal and dietary requirements of the crew and the band. Nothing too strange, although I have no idea why Van Halen would want two bottles of Blue Nun white wine.
Deli tray, cheese tray, fruit platter …
And here it is, page 40, two-thirds of the way down the page under “Munchies”… potato chips with assorted dips, nuts, pretzels, and M&M’s.
Next to that item, it says in block capital letters: “WARNING: ABSOLUTELY NO BROWN ONES.”
The implication is that if Van Halen were to be presented with even one brown M&M, they would refuse to go on. This demand has gone down in history as the most legendary contract rider in rock ’n’ roll.
Were they serious? No. Because the relationship between performer and promoter can be fractious, bands sometimes put these little MacGuffins in their riders just to see if the promoter actually reads the agreement. It’s a test — most of the time, anyway.
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The Foo Fighters use their concert riders as a way of sussing out promoters. But you can tell that they’re joking — mostly.
For a 2011 tour, their ride ran 52 pages and was written by road manager Gus Brandt with input from the band. It’s loaded not just with food and drink requirements, but comments (“Chewbacca did not get a medal at the end of Star Wars, which is a travesty”) to baseball trivia (“In 1979, former New York Yankee Bucky Dent posed for a pin-up poster” and “Ty Cobb is the greatest baseball player of all time.”) It also came with a colouring book (“coloured pencils work best”), a word search (one of the words was “horseboogers”), and warnings about any deli tray that might include raw broccoli.
U2 is generally pretty easygoing: bottled beer, assorted spirits, a selection of wines. Coldplay isn’t really fussy, either — just no American beer, please. The late David Bowie was very reasonable, although he insisted that his dressing room be kept at a temperature between 14 and 18 degrees.
The craziest thing the Barenaked Ladies want (outside of 20 pounds of bananas) is one bottle of good single malt Scotch. In fact, let me quote what they say about the meals to be provided:
“The Barenaked Ladies and crew are very open-minded, yet health-conscious about their diets. We are open to your ideas. Turkey dinner? Sure! Thai or Indian? Absolutely! Japanese? You bet! Meatloaf? Great! Ham and scalloped potatoes? Mmm. We just enjoy variation. So please, don’t offer chicken breast or vegetarian lasagna again.”
Then we have Jane’s Addiction. A 2001 rider insisted on two black stretch limos with tinted windows, a doctor with emergency privileges at the nearest hospital, access to a throat specialist, a chiropractor, a masseuse and a police escort. Plus, promoters needed to assure the band that anyone in the audience caught shining a laser-pointing device at the stage would be arrested for assault.
Weezer is pretty particular. They insist that because of allergies, there should be no shellfish of any kind served backstage. Reasonable. No peanuts for the same reason. Fine. But they get pretty specific, right down to the brand of “sprouted whole grain bread” and the cacao percentage of the dark chocolate candy bars they need. Oh, and no Styrofoam anywhere. It’s bad for the environment.
When Nine Inch Nails was on tour, Trent Reznor insisted on proper place settings with china plates, bowls, cups and saucers and real silverware — and two boxes of cornstarch. I don’t know why, but this was marked on the rider as “very important.”
Peter Gabriel needs oxygen, especially when performing in high-altitude cities. And when it comes to pre-gig massages, the masseuses must be women. The rider specifically says, “No men.” And Gabriel’s massage is at 6:20 p.m. sharp and must last for one hour.
And the Red Hot Chili Peppers are very picky. They require the following:
- Meditation room, all walls piped and draped, medium to dark color, please (prefer not blue).
- Small bowls of whole pitted dates, figs and raw unsalted cashews.
- Two aromatherapy candles.
- One pair of plaid cotton boxer shorts, Hanes or Jockey.
- Four pairs of white tube socks.
Here are a few more backstage requirements:
- Ozzy Osbourne: New York-style bagels.
- Beck: A container of hummus and two packs of rice cakes.
- Marilyn Manson: Gummi bears, Doritos, two per cent milk and two bottles of absinthe.
- Prince: No crew members were allowed to look at him or talk to him. Violations would result in the offending employee being fired.
- The Ramones: Chocolate chip and oatmeal raisin cookies (Pepperidge Farm only)
- Danzig: Ten attractive women between the ages of 18 and 24 who were well-versed in politics, religion and sports and who lived no further than a $5 cab ride from the venue.
- Queens of the Stone Age: A map of Ireland to be placed on the dressing room wall. (Another promoter reading test.)
And if you ever book Duran Duran, you’d be well served to hire a sommelier to help you with their backstage needs. Their rider includes a section titled “Wine and Champagne.”
I quote:
- 3 bottles of excellent quality Italian red wine — Sassicaia, Solaia, or Tignanello — vintages between 1989 and 1997.
- 2 bottles of excellent quality white wine — Corton Charlemagne preferred — vintages 1996, 1999, 2001, 2002, 2004.
- 2 bottles of good quality Champagne — Veuve Clicquot or Bollinger preferred.
- They also need one bottle of Patrón Silver Tequila with the warning “Do not supply regular tequila!”
Duran Duran: a band that, if they could, would tour with a wine cellar. But because they’re rock stars, they don’t have to.
Hey, you won’t ever get it if you don’t ask, right?
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